It’s that time of the year that everyone gets loved up and poor. THAT’S RIGHT VALENTINES DAY! My fianceé and I don’t celebrate Valentine’s day, so naturally, with no knowledge on the subject, I consider myself an expert. Not everyone looks forward to Valentine’s day and for those of you who are trapped in a relationship but too scared to break it off yourself, I present you with a scientifically proven solution. The scientific process of this being that my fianceé was consulted and has assured me she would leave me if I gifted her any of the following.
I will also point out I am using the legal term of defamation in terms of this list as in this should lower the individuals standing in the mind of a right-thinking individual. If they don’t leave you and you got them these presents you should marry them or run for the hills. With all that clarified let’s get down to the list.
10: A set of scales with a side serving of diet pills
Every single person on the planet loves being reminded of their weight especially by their significant other. Although this method may backfire if they are a bodybuilder who actually likes to track their ‘gains’.
9: A naked portrait of their father
THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL THIS WILL FAIL TO CAUSE ISSUES WITH YOUR PARTNER UNLESS THEY HAVE SERIOUS ISSUES! I shouldn’t have to explain this one if you need it explained please seek help.
8: Any commitment far too early
We’re talking engagement rings three months in (although I get why some devote Christians and Mormons would wanna get on that marriage train early wink wink). This goes for a renting a flat together, getting a pet together or anything other ill-conceived forms of commitment they two of you are not ready for.
7: Hand made coupons
Nothing says I can’t afford this holiday/I totally forgot like hand made poorly constructed coupons you made ten minutes before presenting. This works especially well if your partner spent a lot of money or got you a really thoughtful gift.
6: A USB mixtape
Firstly, inconvenient because you can’t just play it like you could with a CD, vinyl or playlist. Also, Spotify and YouTube exist you could make a playlist any day of the year this is again another way to say, I forgot but had about 15 minutes free.
5: Anything regifted that still has that person name on
Bonus points if it’s an ex’s name. Regifting is always trashy and thoughtless but if it’s been clearly regifted then you’ve put even less effort because either you didn’t double-check or you did and still thought it was a good idea. Great way to get yourself a one-way ticket on the chuck train.
4: The blood of their enemies
Obviously a little more thoughtful than the others but quite a bit more violent. Unfortunately for you, it will likely result in a prison sentence but on the plus side, it’ll give you that space you and your partner need and will probably up your chances of being dumped. Also, I’ve never killed someone so I don’t really know how easy the blood collection process is. I suppose you don’t have to kill them but that seems like a lack of commitment.
3: Couples Counselling sessions
If you really fancy pointing out in a large neon sign above your partner’s head saying “WE’RE HAVING PROBLEMS AND THIS ISN’T WORKING”, then this gift will be perfect.
2: An engraved gift with a pun that implies the relationship has run it’s course
This was a suggestion by my fianceé that was so well thought out it actually had me worried. Suggestions include a pocket watch with an engraving saying “our time is up” or something more poet if you want to get fancy. Another option is a record vinyl with the poem: Roses are red, Violets are blue, here’s a new single, just like you.
1: Naming a cockroach after them
Hemsley conservation centre is running a lovely campaign where you can name your ex after a cockroach but be original and break convention by naming them after a hopefully soon to be ex. Everyone get on the dump wagon because you have a one-way trip if you do this. Also, it only costs £1.50 so you could even combine it with others on this list.