Astrid Madimba, 26, works in digital marketing, London-based.
Your 20s is very much a process of getting to know yourself, the good, the bad, and the ugly, as they say. I was different in my early 20s; there was a lot of fear, anxiety, and feeling inadequate, especially when I went to university. There were so many knowledgeable and determined young people at my university, and although I had gotten accepted and was doing well, I felt like a fraud. These feelings prevented me from fully embracing the university experience because I spent my time focusing on proving that I deserved to be there.
No regrets
When it comes to regrets, I frame my mind in a certain way to not spend too much time dwelling on them. I’m a firm believer that so long as the decision I had made in my early 20s were an honest reflection of who I was then, then I can’t keep blaming myself today. It doesn’t serve me to do so. With hindsight, it’s easy to label and define decisions and moments as mistakes, but you’ve only been given the opportunity of hindsight because of time. It’s also important to realise that you made that decision because at 21 or 22, you were scared, lacked self-confidence, and so you did your best. You can’t keep kicking your 21-year-old self for who you were; I don’t believe it achieves anything. You learnt the lesson and can now focus on doing better.
Another critical element of your 20s is confusion. You have many questions, and not all of them come with a nicely wrapped answer. It’s slightly more straightforward in your teens as you’re clear on your next steps and the options available to you. You start in school, then move onto secondary school and go on to university or college. For me, the jump from those structured elements of my life to being in my 20s was tricky to navigate at first, especially as I’m a very structured person; I like to know what’s next so I can prepare for it. In your 20s, you’re in a world that says you’re an adult and the training wheels come off, and in my early 20s, that was scary, but now I relish that freedom. I’ve learnt to embrace that element of my 20s, and today it’s the part I most enjoy.
Leaving the nest
I come from quite a small city, and growing up, my friends and I went to the same primary and secondary school. Once at university, I soon realised that the job opportunities I was seeking weren’t in my hometown, so I decided to move to London.
When you come from a small city where everybody knows each other, you tend to stay there because you have that sense of familiarity. But I have found that I learn most about myself by embracing the things that make me uncomfortable. This was initially quite difficult as an introvert, but if you don’t put yourself out there, nobody else will.
One stage after another
I remember a Lecturer discussing the evolution of friendships and how each one plays a part in your growth; as a result, some friendships will come to an end. In my case, I have a different circle of friends today versus my friends ten years ago. Although I have kept one friend, he’s basically like my brother, so maybe that doesn’t count either. I believe it’s just a reflection of where I’m at in my life; I live in a different city, I’ve changed, and I am terrible at keeping in touch (something I’m working on).
The evolution of my friendship circle taught me the value of exchanging life stories with other people. Today, the people I consider my friends are people I connected with because we were open enough to share our personal stories; that’s why my friends range from 20-somethings to 60-somethings. I would always encourage people to share their stories because it allows you to form new bonds with people, and you’ll quickly come to realise that you’re not on your own. Many people have gone through similar situations and can give you their perspective and act as a sounding board.
A disservice
Navigating romantic relationships has been an interesting part of my life. I would describe myself as quite open, giving and trusting, but I’ve not always attracted men who complement these qualities. I’ve realised that I am looking for a trustworthy partner, who is also committed and willing to work together. Someone I can trust and who in turn can trust me to be there for them, no matter what curve balls life decides to throw at us. It’s only recently that I’ve come to realise that being with a man who doesn’t meet those elements would be doing me a disservice. But like I said before, I try not to dwell too much on past relationships because it wouldn’t be life if it were perfect and everything worked out. I’m at a stage where I’m excited to see what comes next; if I meet that partner, then great, and if I don’t, well, such is life. This mindset is something I’m constantly working on by reading and learning from others.
The most remarkable person
How you see life and people also evolves in your 20s. When you’re a kid, well, for me anyway, my mum was the most remarkable person I knew. I can recall seeing how she would command a room and make things happen; it was magical. I can remember thinking as a kid; my mum is who I want to be when I grow up.
As I grew older, I learnt more about my mum’s life, especially her regrets, wishes, and disappointments. Knowing those things and us becoming friends made her human. She is still my hero and always will be, but by no longer seeing her through these rose-tinted glasses. Through her experiences, I’ve learnt to value life and the good times because they’re great for getting you through those bad and unbearable moments. I’m a true believer that you don’t know what tomorrow will throw at you or if your time might come tomorrow, and you won’t be here. So, you might as well make the absolute most of it.
Bonus
I get frustrated about things, especially saving to become a house owner, but I always have to check myself and do something I like to call ‘go back to the basics.’ This is a thing I started doing a few years ago where when my mind starts wandering and thinking about what I don’t have; I ask myself questions on basic things a person needs to survive. I’ll ask myself if at this point in my life I am able to eat every day, work and have some shelter. If I’m able to provide myself with these fundamentals, then I am doing well. Anything else I get on top of that? Well, that’s just a bonus. Thinking in this way has alleviated some of the pressure I’ve felt in my 20s. People have a checklist of things they want to achieve, and so do I, but the check-in I have with myself serves as a reminder that anything beyond the basic is a bonus.
It’s easy to say do not compare yourself to someone else; comparison is something I’m guilty of doing at times. It takes a lot of strength to not dwell on comparisons, and for me, that strength comes from appreciating that we all have very different stories, and when comparing yourself to someone else, it’s never like-for-like. We’re all following a specific path, and often when comparing, you have little knowledge of the details, and so your comparison is done at a superficial level, and so, of course, you’re going to have a strong sense of jealousy. It’s only when someone provides the context that it begins to make sense. That’s why I value people telling their stories because it’s all about perspective.
Generally, I’m quite a positive person and try my best always to be grateful even when I’m going through tough times. Regardless of your situation, there is something you will find to be thankful for. Life is a joke; it will give one person all the luck in the world, someone else one struggle after the next, and another something in-between. All you can do is try your best with the cards in front of you and move positively forward.
I know how difficult it is
I’ve been lucky to discover and find myself in a job and organisation I love. The more I work, the clearer my goals, values and motivations become. A company’s culture is critical for me. When you are at university, they talk about company culture, and you’re like, okay, great, but do I get a MacBook and an office dog. However, you end up realising when you go into the workplace that it’s easy for a company to give you stuff, but developing a culture focused on specific attitudes, beliefs, and values is difficult. For me, the people element of work is essential, mainly because you spend so much of your life at work, so it needs to be an environment that complements my personality.