Charmaine Tan, 22, from Singapore, lived in China from the age of 12 to 16, first-year law and French law student at King’s College London, studied film in the US for two years.
For me, 20s is accepting not everyone’s perfect and you’re also not perfect. It is also a time where you should really go out, do whatever you want, to experiment and just have a blast, because you’re only young once. I really like exploring and living in other places. It’s about communicating with other people, a wide range of people, not everyone comes from the same background as you do, not everyone is from where you are.
It’s also about being more adaptable to situations. I don’t have that mentality where I just compare it to like back home, or think my home is the ideal place, because I just understand that it’s a different place and you can’t compare. So I think it’s just being more like open minded in a way, being able to see things that that you wouldn’t otherwise see.
Since I moved around, I had gaps in my education, there were a lot of times where I had to take up part time jobs. I started working when I was 16. So you meet a lot of people who are older than your age. You also meet a lot of people as you move around. You have friends from that school, from another country, and from all over the world, I feel like that really helps to develop the way you think, and that just makes you more grown up in a in a way.
Time in the US
I don’t think one should ever stop setting goals, so you can have something to work towards. Maybe do a bucket list, if you have one.
In Singapore, there’s a stigma that if you study film, you’re probably someone who is dumb. For me, I just need to stop caring what other people think, just do it. Even if my own parents are against it, then I just have to prove them wrong. I just have to work towards it and make it happen.
I was doing film in the US, I always knew that it’s kind of the job that Asian parents would never really support. Also in Singapore in general the media scene isn’t that good. So I was having that whole crisis thing of what should I do? I didn’t know if I want to stay in film, because I liked it but didn’t know if I want to continue pursuing it.
I dropped out of uni before I even applied for the UK one so I really didn’t know if I was going to get in. In my first year in the United States, I was kind of lost because I didn’t know if I wanted to do this. Is it important to get a job that you liked? What is important? I didn’t know if I would succeed. So I told myself that okay, do it and then we’ll see how it goes.
So I did a year, eventually it got to a point where it was just becoming more and more real, as time passed, you just started doing job search, finding internships, and you realise that I’m not going to get a job, I don’t know if I can get a job, maybe it’s time to change my degree.
Long-distance friendships
When I was in the United States, I only really had one friend until later on, it took a while. I had friends but they weren’t close friends, because the Americans are just nice to everyone, but that doesn’t mean they’re your friend. In Singapore, we don’t talk to strangers. It’s not the same in America, you talk to the people you don’t know and that’s completely normal.
I have met some really, really great people who just make me feel so good about myself when I was in the US, there was a lot of self discovery, no judgement. I think it was the kind of people I was hanging out with.
In Singapore it’s more like conformity, like study the normal stuff and do whatever is conventional. In the US it is very individualistic, really expressive, and not afraid to explore, I really felt like I was able to do anything, and my friends were so supportive, like no matter what I did. This is a great feeling just having great friends, I would also feel like that if they were here, but the thing is, they’re not here. It’s hard to feel that way when you don’t see this person often.
Sometimes it can be lonely, especially if there’s something good or something extremely bad that happened to you and you just want to talk to one of the best friends but then they’re not here. Sometimes it does feel lonely, but at the same time, when you see them, it’s an amazing feeling to spend days together.
My closest friends are not all in the same country, and I’m so used to not seeing my friends for years on end. Sometimes people might think I’m a bit detached, but for me, it’s just because I’m just not used to seeing my friends so often.
It will always be here
I have that constant terror about not being able to find a job. I’m only in first year, I shouldn’t be worrying about this now.
Ideally, I want to stay somewhere that isn’t Singapore. I want to try overseas, because I think it’s interesting working in a different culture.
I know I don’t want to be here and the only reason I say that is because I know that Singapore will always be here. I’m never going to give up my citizenship, so I know this place will always be somewhere I can come back to. Whereas for others, the only reason I can go there is because I have an opportunity and I have to take it.
Fitting in?
The difficult time for me was after I moved back from China and came back to Singapore. It took a while for me to fit in, because I think from when you’re 12 to 16, that’s kind of when you go out the most with your friends and have fun. I didn’t do that in Singapore. It took time for me to fit in, because I spoke with an accent, they would be like, ‘oh, are you from Singapore?’ I felt like I’ve stayed here for most of my life but at the same time you feel this disconnect.
Covid days
January 2020, I dropped out of uni so I had nine months between then and the start of my UK uni. During that nine months, my plan was to go to France and I didn’t know anyone in France. I was there for a month, but then Covid happened.
If I had school or something, at least I would be occupied. When Covid happened, I came back from the US and quarantined for 14 days, I didn’t have anything. I was supposed to do an internship and study in France, but obviously that got cancelled. When I came back to Singapore, I had left school, I didn’t have anything. I didn’t know how long I was going to be in Singapore. So I couldn’t find jobs, and the world was shutting down then.
For me that first three months was literally just doing nothing. Not sure what I want to do. At that point, I was feeling really lonely. I just came from uni, all my friends were in the US, but I was really lonely. I didn’t know if this was the right choice, and I was questioning if law was the right thing to do, but at the same time, I knew that I can’t really change my degree, I have to power through it, because I’m going to be 25 by the time I graduate.
I’m really struggling to catch up, I’m already behind and this is online studies. I’m barely involved in class, I don’t have a social life. So I’m pretty scared and terrified about next year.